he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
