I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I would fuck him just for his dog
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
