I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
