Rock
Scissors
Fuck
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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