new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
