I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I didn't shave. On purpose
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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