This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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