you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Randomize
