I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
