I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
