So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
