i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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