I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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