I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
