someone owes me an orgasm
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
