no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
