You smell like stripper and shame
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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