jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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