I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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