just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I AM VODKA MAN
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize