So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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