Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
