So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
