i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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