Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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