so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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