I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
