I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
