there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
