I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
