i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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