My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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