All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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