i would punch a child for taco bell
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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