then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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