I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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