I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
