don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
