Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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