Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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