There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
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