I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
