i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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