May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
