Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Two words: nipple clamps
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