sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize