i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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