he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
