I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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