I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
