I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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