I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
