If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
