am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize