Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
