there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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