i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
