dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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