Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
