So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
