the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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