i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
im calling her cock vulture from now on
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
