The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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