Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
